Friday, April 1, 2011

Breaking News!!!

I felt a story of this magnitude speaks for itself. God help us all.

Kaepernick Revealed to be Robot from Future

Reno, NV -- In a startling revelation which has shaken the foundations of humankind's perceptions of time and space, former University of Nevada football player Colin Kaepernick was revealed to have actually been a highly intelligent, self-aware robot sent to the present from the distant future.

Addressing a stunned crowd of assembled scientists and physicists through a temporal rip, the robot formerly known as Kaepernick explained why it first came to Reno in 2006.

"I was sent to your time by my creators for a single purpose: the destruction of what would've been Boise State's national championship season," it said, "and the preservation of the world you know."

The picture that first hinted at Kaepernick's true nature.

According to the machine, its creators inhabited a bleak future in which Boise State's 2010 championship fostered a master race of arrogant, self-absorbed fans immune to reason and completely unaware of the concepts of heartbreak and losing. Schoolchildren recited the Boise State fight song instead of the Pledge of Allegiance. Television stations were forced to eliminate their programming and show a continuous loop of the 2007 Fiesta Bowl. All religions -- save for the Church of Saint Petersen the Infallible -- were abolished.

"Their malice and smugness knew no bounds," continued the robot, "and it wasn't long before they proceeded to dominate the entire planet with their brand of prickish douchebaggery. The punishment for rooting for another team was death."

It was into this dystopian nightmare that a group of defiant scientists created the robot known as Colin Kaepernick. Operating in secret and constantly under suspicion by their blue-and-orange-clad overlords, the scientists were able to create a portal to the year 2006 and sent their creation back to the Reno of that time.

"They gave me the basic tools they felt I would need to earn a scholarship," said the robot, "but they ultimately placed their faith in Coach Chris Ault to shape me into a true weapon."

Like a heavyweight boxer undergoing intense training for a title fight, the robot was slowly but surely molded into the player which fans recognize now. All the setbacks and losses of its first three years, said the machine, were part of the plan that culminated on the night of November 26th, 2010.

"I treated the previous seasons as learning experiences. I used them to acquire more knowledge, to become more intelligent and better prepared to meet the Bronco menace for the final time," it explained. "They were a powerful threat, but their lack of experience with real adversity was their greatest weakness."

When faced with this revelation, many of the robot's former teammates were only mildly surprised.

"That's news to me, but it would definitely explain a lot," said Rishard Mathews, one of the robot's favorite recipients of its high-velocity passes. "I could've sworn I saw wires sticking out of his ears one day -- he tried to play it cool and said 'Don't all humans have them?'"

Asked by a scientist if he had any parting words of wisdom for the past he was sent to protect, the robot thought for a moment before answering.

"If you're a fan of the Broncos -- or any other team -- don't be a jerk."

Other Headlines of the Day:

Big Ten, Big 12 swap names for own amusement

Auburn fans burn Chizik in effigy for not winning championship sooner

Ohio State president
rushed to hospital for third foot-in-mouth extraction

Latest Oregon football uniforms visible from space

Karl Benson on resurrecting the WAC: "It's all about curling"

Stew Morrill preemptively lining up excuses for future postseason failures

Bay Area fans "shocked" to discover San Jose State still has football team

Nevada AD schedules road series with entire NFC West


Ted said...

Pack Backer said...

I don't know what you're going for there, Ted, so I'm not really sure what to tell you. I guess all I can say is enjoy your summer and try not to take things so seriously.