Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Translation Guide: What Coaches Are REALLY Saying at Media Days

The WAC's media days begin this Thursday at the Orleans Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. This will happen almost immediately after the Mountain West concludes their own media days across town at the Red Rock Resort, further cementing Karl Benson's weird fetish with imitating Craig Thompson whenever he does something in Vegas.

We all know how carefully coaches often try to choose their words when interacting with members of the media. This is especially true when both parties are asked to converge on one location for several days and pretend to be interested in what they both have to say. It's all part of a time-honored song and dance: the media asks the different coaches questions that range from tame and silly to more uncomfortably invasive than a prostate exam, and the coaches respond by disguising what they really mean in the politically correct language of "coach-speak."

In order to better inform you, the reader -- and at the risk of jeopardizing whatever chance I have of getting a PWtW press pass in the future -- I present you this translation guide to some of the many cliches you'll hear at a typical media day press conference.

"Good morning. I'm happy to be here representing [name of program] and am excited to tell you all about the team we're putting together for this season."

Translation: "I can't wait to get back on the recruiting trail instead of being forced to waste any more time than I have to with you putzes."

"We didn't have many players available at [random position], and I think we're going to see some interesting competition there in the fall."

Translation: "I have no idea who is going to start there and have already gone through a lot of ulcer medication thinking about it."

"I understood the high standards at [name of program] when I took this job, and I wake up every morning looking forward to the opportunities I've been given to live up to those expectations."

Translation: "I'm in way over my head. Our fans are all nutjobs who live vicariously through this football team. Please kill me before one of them does it first."

"To someone on the outside looking in, I suppose it may look like coaches are paid too much."

Translation: "You try doing this crap for a living and see how much YOU think we should get paid."

"We may not win every game, but I can tell you that we'll always play with a lot of heart and will never quit."

Translation: "Yeah, even I have to admit there are times when we look pathetic out there."

"Our players have been working hard in practice and they've responded really well to what we've been teaching them. They'll be ready when the season starts."

Translation: "It took them long enough, but those little puss bags have finally started to respect us."

"I haven't seen what [highly touted offensive recruit] can do at the college level yet, so I'm looking forward to starting up fall practices."

Translation: "The second he starts hot-dogging or running his mouth, our senior linebacker will flatten him. And it will be glorious."

"Let me tell you, no one on my staff was satisfied with how we [ran the ball, passed the ball, etc.] last year."

Translation: "I'm surrounded by incompetence and have to suppress the urge to strangle those idiots."

"It's nice to be picked by the media to win your conference, but it's our job as coaches to keep those kids' heads from getting too big."

Translation: "Stop making my job harder, you worthless schmucks."

"I'm looking forward to another great season. It's been a pleasure talking to all of you. Thank you for having me here."

Translation: "FREEDOM!"

Now it's your turn: what are the real meanings behind some of your favorite bits of coach-speak?

Translation: Respond to this entry. Please. Give me some sort of validation for all of the time I spend on here.


student4ever said...

We decided to bring Tyler to media days because the quarterback is the leader of our offense and he has been a tremendous leader that epitomizes our philosophy of next man in.

Translation: Tyler Lantrip is the best quarterback in the WAC right now and there is nothing your team will do that he isn't ready for, so get ya popcorn, because he's gonna put on a show.

Wolf Quack said...

Boise State: Oh No! We can't play with our ugly electric blue uniforms on our ugly blue field anymore! That headache inducing mess is not going to be on display anymore and now we will have to wear neon orange?! People hate our blue field?!

Translation: We know we had an unfair setup and can't believe our AD and Pres gave it away. Boo hoo.